MYSTERY OF THE GANGSTER GHOST
PART 11
ACT II SCENE 2 - PICKLED PIG TOES
(Various PEOPLE are gathered in a club talking, drinking,
and enjoying themselves. Everyone is dressed casually except
for REMMY who wears a nice, white dress. The center of
attention is FLO and MUGSY, who are arm wrestling. MUGSY is
straining. FLO is relaxed)
MUGSY
You give up yet?
FLO
What’s the matter, Sam? Tired.
MUGSY
No way.
JAQUE
Any more bets? Flo’s looking tired.
(FLO starts to weaken)
MUGSY
I’ve got you now.
SALLY
Twenty more dollars on Mugsy!
FLO
How much we got, Jaque?
JAQUE
That makes two hundred dollars for
the winner.
FLO
That’s enough. Come to mommy!
(FLO kisses the money)
MUGSY
You cheated us!
SALLY
That ain’t fair. We want our money back.
FLO
A bet’s a bet.
(MUGSY pulls out a gun. REMMY comes out during this, sees
gun and grabs a metal skillet)
SAM
And a gun’s a gun.
(REMMY hits SAM over the head and he falls)
REMMY
You know the rules. No guns.
(REMMY picks the gun up like a dirty diaper and throws it
away. SALLY runs over to MUGSY and pats his face to try and
wake him up)
SALLY
Mugsy? Mugsy? Speak to me.
MUGSY
Wow, what a headche.
SALLY
Oh, Mugsy. I’m so glad you’re okay.
MUGSY
Sure, I’m okay... uh... what did
you say your name was?
SALLY
Oh, Mugsy. You’re gonna make me cry.
(Sally runs out in tears)
MUGSY
What happened?
FLO
Well, you see. Jaque was returning
your money and you dropped it on
the floor under the table. You were
reaching for your money and then
you hit your head. That’s when this
guy grabbed your money and ran out the door.
MUGSY
What?
FLO
You better go get it. He’s got a
big head start.
MUGSY
I’ll kill him!
(MUGSY runs out angrily)
JAQUE
Nice story.
FLO
Thanks.
(There’s a knock at the door: shave and a haircut)
REMMY
It’s the secret knock. Open the door.
(JAQUE opens the door and SIMON walks in)
JAQUE
Who are you?
(Everyone looks nervously at SIMON)
SIMON
Simon. Sim Simon.
REMMY
Can I help you?
SIMON
The sign outside said, "Pete’s
Pickled Pig Toes." Is this where I
can get some pickled pig toes?
REMMY
Well, not exactly.
SIMON
You’re out of business?
REMMY
Well...
SIMON
You’re not....
REMMY
Ummm...
SIMON
This isn’t...
REMMY
Uh...
SIMON
An illegal operation?
REMMY
Please, sir... this isn’t what it
looks like.
SIMON
As a loyal citizen of this
wonderful nation I must...
(PETE pulls out a gun and points it at SIMON)
SIMON (CONT.)
...say that I didn’t see a thing.
PETE
Good choice.
(PETE guides SIMON out the door)
FLO
Nice to have Pete as a bouncer.
(VERA pulls FLO aside)
VERA
So what’s the deal with Pete?
FLO
What do you mean?
VERA
I swear I’ve seen him before...
right along Elliot Ness... one of
them Untouchables.
FLO
He’s untouchable alright. If only
he were unsmellable too. That guy stinks.
VERA
So is he?
FLO
What?
VERA
You know... the fuzz... a copper...
one of them guys that just took
down Al Capone.
FLO
Don’t mention Al around here right
now. His younger brother, Cal,
owns this club and he’s pretty sore
about his brother getting nabbed.
VERA
Can you believe it... Al Capone...
thrown in jail for cheating on his taxes.
FLO
Shhh... nix the Al talk, toots.
VERA
So tell me more this Pete then.
FLO
Pete doesn’t like to talk about his
past either... and his fall from grace.
VERA
Fall from grace?
FLO
They say he got in fight with Eliot
Ness himself.
VERA
Really... the leader of the
Untouchables?
FLO
A fist fight... on top of a
skyscraper... he nearly knocked ol’
Ness off with a nasty left hook.
VERA
What were they fighting over?
FLO
A woman.
VERA
Of course. Then what happened?
FLO
Then Pete ends up here... a bouncer
at a speakeasy... disgraced.
VERA
Wow.
FLO
You said it, toots.
(BETH goes to gossip about PETE with some others. REMMY
goes to FLO)
REMMY
Nice cover story for Pete.
FLO
Had to come up with something. She
was getting nosey.
REMMY
Spying for Cal?
FLO
Dunno. Probably. Better safe than sorry.
(Knock at the door - shave and a haircut)
JAQUE
It’s the secret knock. I’ll get it.
(SQUIRT appears at the door)
SQUIRT
You got any pickled pigs toes?
(JAQUE slams the door on SQUIRT)
JAQUE
You gotta change that password, Remmy.
FLO
So what’s on the schedule tonight?
JAQUE
Yea, we want some entertainment!
REMMY
I was hoping you wouldn’t ask.
FLO
Where’s the band?
JAQUE
Where’s the singer?
(PUGSY, who is drunk, gets up and stumbles to the center of
the room)
PUGSY
I’m gonna sing for you now... one
of my favorite songs...
FLO
This should be good.
PUGSY
For your information, I was a
talented actor in my day. Did some
real serious theatre at one time.
JAQUE
I’ll bet you really knocked ’em dead.
FLO
Yeah, with his breath.
PUGSY
Go ahead and laugh. Once you hear
me sing you’ll be sorry. Maestro? A one, a two, a....
(PUGSY passes out on the floor. Everyone applauds)
JAQUE
Beautiful! Bravo!
FLO
Stunning performance.
JAQUE
Encore! Encore!
(PETE drags off the drunk)
REMMY
Anyone else want to give it a try?
JAQUE
No one can top that.
(Knock at door)
JAQUE (cont’d)
That’s not the secret knock.
REMMY
Quick everyone. To your places.
(Everyone rushes around and hides liquor and changed
gambling for checkers, etc. Jars of pickles are set out.
More knocking)
JAQUE
That sounds like a cop.
REMMY
Oh, my. Oh, my. Where’s Pete?
JAQUE
Ready?
REMMY
Let ’em in.
(JAQUE lets in the police officer, ELIOT. He enters with
the PUGSY. He draws his gun and the PUGSY falls to the floor)
ELIOT
Surprise! Police raid!
JAQUE
Come on in, officer.
REMMY
Care for any pickled pig toes?
ELIOT
Sorry, ma’am. I thought this was an
illegal booze operation.
REMMY
As you can see, this is a reputable joint.
ELIOT
I’m sure I smelled some alcohol on
this drunk I just found outside of here.
REMMY
It must be the stuff we pickle
with. People often make that mistake.
(The COP points to the PUGSY)
ELIOT
So what’s with him?
REMMY
Oh, he’s in charge of... tasting
the pickling juice... to make sure
it’s the right mixture.
ELIOT
You sure that’s safe?
REMMY
He isn’t dead is he?
(COP nudges PUGSY with his foot)
ELIOT
I don’t know. I can’t tell.
REMMY
Trust me, he’s fine.
(COP looks at a jar of pickles)
ELIOT
These look like pickles.
REMMY
That’s what happens when you pickle
pigs’ feet. They turn out just
like pickles.
ELIOT
Well, what do you know?
REMMY
Amazing, isn’t it?
(REMMY guides the COP toward the door)
REMMY (CONT.)
I suppose you’ll want to be going.
ELIOT
I do have to go. Sorry to disturb
you all.
REMMY
Don’t mention it. Bye.
(REMMY pushes him out the door)
REMMY (CONT.)
That was close.
(Everyone changes the place back as before. REMMY sighs and
then there is another knock at the door)
REMMY (CONT.) (cont’d)
Here we go again.
(Everyone starts changing back again. ELIOT opens door)
ELIOT
I just wanted to say...
(REMMY tries to close door on him. Everyone is frantic and confused)
REMMY
What’s that?
ELIOT
If you every need anything, give me a call.
REMMY
Okay, thank you.
(REMMY pushes him out and shuts the door)
REMMY (CONT.)
That was way too close.
