(PHIL turns on his web cam and looks very nervous)
PHIL
Hey, there, Sidney. I'm early. I mean I'm Phil and I'm early. I don't know if you're online yet. I hope you don't mind me logging in early because I didn't want to miss you. I didn't want to miss the first time we met... well, I guess it wouldn't be a first time if we never meet.
SIDNEY
(her screen is still blank)
I'm here.
PHIL
Oh, wow. Hi... um. I can't see you.
SIDNEY (OFF)
I'm kind of shy.
PHIL
Me too... painfully shy. I don't know if I could do this in person. That's why I wanted to try online first, because I get so nervous in social situations. It's really hard for me, meeting people.
SIDNEY
Me too.
PHIL
If you think this is a bad idea, I can go... I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. You seem really nice from the emails you sent and I wouldn't want to make a nice person like you feel bad.
SIDNEY
No, it's okay. I'd like to get to know you.
(SIDNEY appears on camera and she is in an old lady mask)
PHIL
Oh... uh... hi.
SIDNEY
Hi.
PHIL
I... uh...
(Phil is weirded out by the mask but tries to think of something to say)
PHIL (CONT.)
Did you get the flowers I sent?
SIDNEY
I did.
(She holds up flowers that are dying)
PHIL
Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I guess mailing them wasn't such a good idea. Delivery is so expensive though and I thought if I used express mail they'd make it okay.
SIDNEY
It's okay... I like them... I never get flowers. This was nice.
(Sidney puts the flowers to the side of her desk and looks at Phil happily. After a few moments of silence:)
PHIL
What's with the mask?
SIDNEY
Does it scare you?
PHIL
Not really... it's just... weird.
SIDNEY
So weird you can't talk to me anymore?
PHIL
I have to admit. I'm a little curious. Why would you wear an old person mask when you're meeting me for the first time?
SIDNEY
It's my way of weeding out the losers. I want to find a man who likes what I'm really like and doesn't let my looks get in the way.
PHIL
Tell me about it.
SIDNEY
You're not ugly.
PHIL
I'm not?
SIDNEY
Turn your head that way a bit... no the other way. Now look right at me.
(Phil does and Sidney takes a very close look)
SIDNEY (CONT.)
You have very nice eyes.
PHIL
Really? You do too.
SIDNEY
Stop that.
PHIL
What?
SIDNEY
No physical stuff now.
PHIL
But you said my eyes... and your eyes are.. well... pretty...
SINDEY
No.
PHIL
But...
SIDNEY
Shush!
PHIL
Can't I?
SIDNEY
No.
PHIL
Okay.
(Sidney looks very grumpy and crosses her arms. Phil looks around everywhere but at Sidney. After a few moments:)
SIDNEY
The flowers are very nice.
PHIL
I like red. You like red?
SIDNEY
I'm not much into colors.
PHIL
Why is that?
SIDNEY
They're so loaded. Red is passion. Blue is sadness. Green is envy. I don't want colors bossing me around and telling me how I should feel.
PHIL
It's good to feel something though.
SIDNEY
Huh?
PHIL
A least those colors feel something. Black and white is so boring. No feeling at all. Sometimes I feel like I am floating through space, cut off from the world, with no connection to anyone. I long for true blue sadness or some yellow bellied fear just so I could feel a little bit of something to break me out of this fog I've been in so much of my life.
SIDNEY
Seeking a little red in your life too?
(PHIL get embarrassed and shrugs shyly)
PHIL
So... uh... what else happens on these dating chats? I mean... you seem to have had it all planned out with the mask and such. It's like a test or something. That reminds me of this one episode of Star Trek...oh, geez... now I'm talking about Star Trek. You probably think I'm a loser now.
SIDNEY
I like Star Trek...
PHIL
Really?
SIDNEY
Live long and prosper.
(PHIL holds up a cup of tea)
PHIL
Earl Grey tea... hot.
(Sidney laughs and holds up a cup of tea)
SIDNEY
Early grey. My favorite.
(Phil laughs too)
PHIL
What are the odds we'd like the same things?(Sidney wiggles happily)
PHIL (CONT.)
Especially Star Trek... how many women actually like Star Trek?
SIDNEY
I do.
PHIL
So I admitted my secret love of Star Trek? What's something unusual that you like?
SIDNEY
I collect rainbows.
PHIL
Really? How do you collect rainbows?
SIDNEY
Through pictures... I have fun finding rainbows and I collect pictures of them. My dream is to travel the world and get a picture of a rainbow on every continent.
PHIL
I love traveling too. And photography.
SIDNEY
Where have you traveled to?
PHIL
Nowhere actually, but I'd love to one day.
SIDNEY
Me too... I've never been anywhere. I've never even been to Canada.
PHIL
No way, eh?
SIDNEY
Cute... what kind of pictures do you take?
PHIL
Bad ones.
SIDNEY
What kind of pictures do you like to take though?
PHIL
Wildlife.
SIDNEY
That's cool. What's your favorite one so far?
PHIL
The snow leopard.
SIDNEY
Really? I love snow leopards.
PHIL
But it was in the zoo... so it's not that great of a picture.
SIDNEY
Have you gotten any pictures in the wild?
PHIL
Not really... just squirrels and stuff.
SIDNEY
Squirrels are cute.
PHIL
And ducks... I go feed ducks a lot.
SIDNEY
That sounds fun.
PHIL
Maybe we could... go feed ducks some time... or not.
SIDNEY
I'd love to.
PHIL
Maybe I should wear a mask on dates too. I get so nervous.
SIDNEY
You're doing great.
PHIL
It's the mask. It's helping me too for some reason. It's so ridiculous... I guess it lightens the mood.
(Sidney makes a hurt sound)
SIDNEY
Ri-dic, ri-dic... ri-dicles? Oh... my... I'm ridicles.
PHIL
No, you've very normal. The rest of us are weird.
SIDNEY
Darn tootin.
(They laugh. Then they both get quiet. Phil looks around nervously and gives a shy smile)
SIDNEY
Wanna see me without my mask?
(Phil pauses. He looks nervous)
PHIL
Uh... I don't know... maybe... I guess... this is a test too isn't it? Oh man.
(Sidney laughs)
SIDNEY
Don't be nervous. I'm not this scary looking for real.
PHIL
Okay.
SIDNEY
I'm kind of ugly but nothing like this.
PHIL
Ugly?
SIDNEY
Don't worry. I don't have a huge nose or weird teeth or a huge mole on my face. I'm just not very good looking.
PHIL
I don't mind. I'm no William Shatner.
SIDNEY
You sure?
PHIL
Yes, I'm sure I'm not William Shatner.
(Sidney laughs and Phil joins her)
SIDNEY
You sure about the mask?
PHIL
I'm sure. I already know you have beautiful eyes.
SIDNEY
Stop that.
PHIL
I still can't compliment you?
SIDNEY
No.
(Sidney sits quietly a moment)
PHIL
You don't have to take off the mask. It's okay.
SIDNEY
I want to. You're really nice. You deserve to see my real face. You've passed the test.
(Phil waits nervously as Sidney removes the mask. Sidney looks shy and Phil looks happy)
PHIL
You're beautiful.
(Sidney does an old lady voice)
SIDNEY
No, no, no.
PHIL
You are... really.
SIDNEY
Stop.
PHIL
You don't have any reason to hide.
(Sidney makes eye contact and returns his smile)
END OF SCENE
