OPERATION REDNECK PART 4 by D. M. Larson
BETH: Now the real planning begins.
BETH: Now the real planning begins.
TINA: What do you mean?
BETH: Operation Redneck is close at hand.
TINA: Huh?
BETH: I'm going to make Jacob into the ultimate redneck. She won't even recognize him when we're done with him.
TINA: Will she like that though?
BETH: Of course she will. (Searches) We need lots of paper and pens.
TINA: What for?
BETH: To makes notes. I want to write down some tips on how to be a redneck so Jacob can look at it whenever he needs to.
TINA: That's a good idea.
BETH: I'm terrible at this kind of stuff though. I always need something to get ideas from. What I need is a redneck.
TINA: Do we know any rednecks? Where we gonna find one?
JJ: (Enters. Excited) Ooo-weee. I didn't know you had a bug zapper. Man, those things are so cool. (Imitates one) I could watch those suckers for hours. (Goes to sofa and turns on TV) Boy, howdy.The Rodeo Network. When did you get that?
BETH: Ask and ye shall receive.
TINA: JJ? He's not a redneck...is he?
BETH: Honey, he put the red in neck.
JJ: Aw, man. My ma can ride a bull better than that.
BETH: I've gotta write this stuff down.
JJ: Where's my beer, woman? I'm running on empty
TINA: Coming. (Exits)
BETH: The question is - do we really want Jacob to act like this? Do we really want two of them in the world?
JJ: What you gabbin' about over there?
BETH: I was just sayin' how suave and debonair you are?
JJ: (Confused) What's that supposed to mean?
TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer, dear.
JJ: Beer - dear. (Laughs) That's like a poem. You're too funny.
TINA: (Smiles) Thanks.
BETH: She's a regular comedian.
JJ: You're just jealous.
BETH: Yes, you're sure giving me plenty to be jealous of there, JJ.
JJ: Hey, don't worry, Beth. You'll find a guy tough enough for you some day.
BETH: I doubt it.
(BETH takes TINA aside)
BETH: He'll be perfect. I'll give him a quiz from one of our magazines about finding the perfect man. (Picks up a magazine) If we can get Jacob to act even a little bit like JJ, then I'm sure people around here will think he's okay. But not too much like JJ. Nobody should be too much like JJ.
TINA: He's a one of a kind.
BETH: God destroyed the mold after JJ was made.
TINA: So how we gonna do this?
BETH: Hey, JJ. You wanna win some money?
JJ: Duh... Who wouldn't?
BETH: There's this contest in Tina's Blake Shelton Fan Club newsletter....
TINA: There is? (BETH gives her a look) Oh, yeah. There is.
BETH: See, it's a contest for the perfect couple... You think you guys are the perfect couple?
JJ: Who? Me and Tina?
BETH: No, you and Hillary Clinton. Yes, Tina.
JJ: You bet we're the best couple. We'll win for sure. (gives TINA a squeeze)
BETH: But you got to answer a few questions.
JJ: Naw, I don't wanna answer a bunch a sissy questions. That's stupid. Can't we just take a picture of us. (Grabs TINA and poses) See?
BETH: Oh, yeah. That will impress the judges.
JJ: They can see we'z the perfect couple just by looking at us. Like they say a picture is worth a dozen words.
BETH: In your case, I believe that's true. (Looks at newsletter) But I'm afraid the rules specifically say, no pictures.
JJ: Well, then they can spificly kiss my butt.
TINA: Do it for me, Jellybean.
JJ: Aw, man. This is dumb. No way.
BETH: First prize is a million dollars.
JJ: Well... maybe I could answer a few questions.
TINA: Go ahead, Beth.
BETH: Let's see! First question... (Thinks of something) What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for Tina?
JJ: Romantic? Uh... probably that time I spray painted her name on the General Lee Street Overpass. (TINA smiles happily)
TINA: That was something. You coulda been killed. He used real big letters too.
BETH: Too bad he spelled her name wrong.
TINA: It's the thought that counts.
BETH: I mean who spells Tina with an E instead of an A.
JJ: Can we get on with this? I got things to do.
BETH: Have you ever invested anything for your future such as in the stock market?
JJ: The stock market? Yeah, I might buy us a cow or two.
BETH: Are you the kind of person who would own a personalized license plate?
JJ: Any plate I get here is personalized to me.
TINA: Why's that?
JJ: Cause my daddy's one of them guys who makes them.
BETH: Isn't your dad in prison?
JJ: Yeah, so?
BETH: Do you own a three piece suit?
JJ: Got one on right now. Overalls, flannel shirt, and underwear.
TINA: And only sometimes on the underwear. (She and JJ laugh)
BETH: That's more than I wanted to know, Tina. Who is your favorite Uncle?
JJ: My dad.
BETH: What do you do when you're in trouble and need to find a way out?
JJ: I think, "What would Homer Simpson do?"
BETH: What is your favorite Olympic sport?
JJ: Mud wrestling.
BETH: That's not an Olympic sport.
JJ: Well, it should be.
BETH: Next question. What do you think of gun control?
JJ: Gun control is a steady hand.
BETH: Do you know how to use the internet?
JJ: The internet? That some kind of new fishing tool?
BETH: If you could pick the eighth wonder of the world, what would you chose?
JJ: The Budweiser plant outside of town.
BETH: Which family member do you want to be like when you get older?
JJ: My mama.
TINA: Really?
JJ: Yeah. You know how many tattoos she's got?
BETH: No, and I don't want to know.
JJ: (Stands and shows TINA. Has back to audience) This one is my favorite. Mama's got the same one.
TINA: That's a nice one.
JJ: It was expensive. I'm still paying this baby off.
BETH: Who do you admire most?
JJ: Jack Daniels. (He and TINA laugh)
BETH: What do you want to name your children?
JJ: Jack and Daniel.
BETH: You have a one track mind.
JJ: I sure am getting thirsty.
TINA: I think you left a bottle of JD in my room.
JJ: Boy, howdy. This is my lucky day. (exits)
BETH: I can't believe this.
TINA: How did he do?
BETH: Tina, the man is an idiot.
TINA: I thought he did very well.
BETH: Maybe I should call someone else. No one could pretend to be this dumb.
TINA: He ain't pretending. You just ain't givin' him a chance. Ask him one more and make it really hard. I bet he'll get it right.
JJ: (Comes from kitchen) We done with all them questions yet?
TINA: Just one more, honey.
BETH: What is your opinion on the Roe vs. Wade decision?
JJ: (Thinks. TINA looks hopeful) Now I've heard people talk about that a lot and that's something I've thought lots about too. But I think I've finally settled one side of that issue. I much prefer to row across a river than wade. (BETH throws her notes in the air) What? The river's way too cold to wade across.
BETH: This is totally hopeless. (exits)
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