TINA: Love you? This is serious.
JULIE: Yes, it is serious. That's why I'm so worried.
TINA: Don't be. You've warned him. He'll be okay. Besides everyone is real nice here.
BETH: Tina. This is the town that took the only democrat who's come to campaign in town and threw him in the river. Every summer, there's a "Maim the Liberal" shooting contest at the firing range where they shoot cardboard cutouts of the Clintons.
JULIE: (sobs) He's doomed.
TINA: Now look what you've done. (comforts JULIE)
BETH: Sorry, Julie. I'm worried, that's all.
TINA: Well, it's no reason to go and upset her.
BETH: I wasn't trying to upset her.... I was trying to upset YOU!
JULIE: (Stops crying) I better go make a shopping list since we have a guest coming. I think it's my week to buy food anyway. (Exits to kitchen L)
BETH: (To TINA) I better call Julie's guy and warn him what he's really getting himself into.
TINA: Do you have his number?
BETH: No, but all I have to do... (Gets phone) ...is hit redial.
TINA: I didn't know you could do that.
BETH: I'm not surprised. Listen at the kitchen door in case Julie comes back out. (To phone) Hello, Jacob. This is Julie's friend, Beth. We gotta talk. There's a few more things you should know about this town before you come. It's for your own safety.
TINA: (Listening at door) Here comes Julie. (BETH hides in closet with phone)
JULIE: You two need anything from the store?
TINA: (Trying to get JULIE to go) You better hurry so you can be back here when Jacob arrives.
JULIE: You're right. See you.
TINA: Bye.
JULIE: Oh, wait. (TINA looks nervous) I need to make a call first.
TINA: No!
JULIE: No?
TINA: Here's a quarter. Call from the store.
JULIE: Why are you acting so weird? I mean weirder than usual.
(Goes to phone table) Where's the phone?
TINA: In...the closet.
JULIE: Why is it in the closet?
TINA: I thought it might be more private that way. (JULIE heads for closet. TINA stops her) No, don't go in there.
JULIE: Why not?
TINA: Beth is on the phone.
BETH: In the closet?
TINA: She's talking to her doctor and he said to go in the closet.
JULIE: What for?
TINA: He said she need to... come out of the closet.
JULIE: Never mind. I don't want to know. (Starts to go)
BETH: (Peeks out) Is she gone yet?
JULIE: No.
BETH: (To phone) Well, it was nice talking to you, Father Frank. I'll see you on Sunday. (Hangs up)
JULIE: Father Frank?
BETH: From church. I was just doing my weekly confession.
JULIE: In the closet?
BETH: I'm a closet Catholic.
JULIE: I didn't know you went to church.
BETH: I'm full of surprises.
JULIE: Tina? I thought you said she was talking to her doctor.
TINA: I thought she said she was calling the doctor. I must have heard her wrong.
BETH: I wanted to kill two birds with one stone. You've got to keep up your spiritual and physical health up together you know.
JULIE: I'm not stupid, Beth. Who were you talking to?
BETH: I told you.
JULIE: (Getting really mad) Who were you talking to, Beth?!
BETH: Okay, so I called Jacob. It was for his own good.
JULIE: You called him? What did you say?
BETH: I just gave him a few pointers.
JULIE: Like what?
BETH: Nothing major. Just a few tips on how to dress, how to talk, that kind of stuff.
JULIE: If he looks stupid...
BETH: He'll look great.
JULIE: He is taking this way too well.
BETH: He sure is. That's probably the first guy who's ever listened to me talk about anything. Maybe you should ask him to bring a friend.
TINA: Are you sure the clothes are gonna do it though? It takes more than a cowboy hat to make a cowboy.
BETH: Maybe we should put that on a t-shirt.
JULIE: No, no more changes. We've asked him to change too much already.
BETH: I wouldn't introduce him to your pa then. He'll see right through him. I swear you pa worked for the FBI or something the way he grills people. I remember when we were kids. He'd always know when we were up to no good. (To TINA) "Beth, where were you and Julie last night? Were you in the company of men? Were you ALONE with them? Were you? Huh? Huh?!
TINA: (Cracks under the pressure) Okay, okay. I did it. I took five bucks from your purse and gave it to JJ.
BETH: You what?
TINA: I’m sorry.
BETH: Did you really take $5 from me?
TINA: I don't know what I was saying. I cracked under the pressure. I had to say something.
JULIE: Daddy's not that bad, Beth.
TINA: Close. I was having flashbacks.
BETH: Years of study. Some guy would buy you dinner and your pa would want to know how many times the guy chewed.
JULIE: Now, you're overdoing it.
BETH: Please, avoid your pa. Jacob's so nice and sensitive. Your pa would probably make him cry.
TINA: Boys don't cry.
BETH: You some kind of wind up doll? Pull the string and you say some hick from the sticks proverb.
TINA: Proverb? You mean like the bible?
BETH: Whoosh!
TINA: Stop that.
BETH: So did you really take five dollars from me?
TINA: I don't recall.
BETH: That's okay. I've taken way more than that from your purse.
JULIE: I don't want you two doing anything else while I'm gone. You've done more than enough. I'm worried all your fixing is going to make things worse.
TINA: We just wanted to help you out, that's all.
JULIE: I know you did. I just hope he didn't mind too much.
BETH: He sounded real grateful. He really wants to make you happy.
JULIE: I have to go get something for dinner tonight. I'll be back soon. (Exits R)
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