Happy Anniversary 2015
to the love of my life
This is a comedy script I wrote for my wife for our anniversary. And she made a poster for me (see previous post about Death of an Insurance Salesman). I love these creative presents :) It's a lot of fun to make something for each other using our talents.
"You and Me, Alone and Free"
by D. M. Larson
Roy
You look a little down today, Will.
Will
I really wanted the day off today. It's my anniversary.
Roy
Oh man... That sucks. The wife must be pretty mad.
Will
No, she was nice about it but I could tell she was sad.
Roy
Why wouldn't they give you the day off?
Will
We're short handed. Another one of the guards quit.
Roy
Who quit now?
Will
Simon.
Roy
Geez our new boss is going to run everyone off.
Will
It has been a lot harder to work here since he took over. I nearly quit yesterday over this. But I've been here forever. I have seniority... And perks....
Roy
What perks?
Will
Don't tell anyone this but I get to use one of the squad cars for personal use. The wife likes to play cops and robbers.
Roy
Oh man. That's great. You have the best wife.
Will
I do.
Roy
You got lucky. How'd you two meet?
Will
I was delivering a prisoner to a jail over in Hazard county and she was there.
Roy
In jail?
Will
No, walking out. The prisoner I had with me made a crude comment to her... I mean she was dressed very attractively...
Roy
She always does.
Will
But that's no excuse for making lewd comments.
Roy
Agreed.
Will
So I tased him.
Roy
What? Really?
(Roy laughs)
Will
She liked that and gave me her number. She said she was looking for a body guard. She winked and smiled so I knew it wasn't a job offer... It was something much better.
Roy
Indeed... You've been one happily married man.
Will
Until today.
Roy
I feel bad for you, man. I'd offer to cover for you but I'm already here.
(There's a buzz and Roy looks. Will is sadly looking at a picture of Dee)
Roy (cont.)
New prisoner. I'll handle it.
Will
Thanks.
(Will stands and paces. He gets his cell phone and calls his wife)
Will (cont.)
Howdy, Dee. I wanted to talk to you but I guess I will leave a voicemail. I hope you're doing okay. I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you tonight. I hope you got the present I left for you. I wanted to get you something really nice since I wouldn't be with you. I really wish I could be there. I wish I could spend every moment with you. I never get tired of you. When I am around you, I just want to be with you more and more.
(Roy enters with Dee during this. Dee is in handcuffs - in front of her)
Will (cont.)
My happiness moments are with you... And my saddest moments are when we're apart.
Dee
That is so sweet.
(Dee runs up and hugs Will by putting her handcuffed hands over his head and pulls him close)
Will
This is great. I wanted to see you so bad. Did you do this as a surprise, Roy? How did you get in here?!
Dee
Well... I had to take some extreme measures.
(Dee releases him from the hug and shows her handcuffs)
Will
What's going on? Is this a joke?
Roy
I wish.
Dee
I couldn't be without you tonight. Not on our most important day of the year. So I... Decided to get myself arrested.
Will
What? Oh man. What did you do?
Dee
I killed your boss.
Will
What?!
Dee
Just kidding.
Will
Good... I guess.
Dee
So that would have been ok?
Will
No. So what did you do?
Dee
Nothing. I'm innocent.
Roy
Smart tactic. They say she was shoplifting.
Will
Shoplifting? Didn't you like my present?
Roy
I loved it - I wanted to get you something equally awesome.
Will
Ah that's so sweet.
Dee
I thought so. The store security didn't agree.
Will
But it was a mistake right? Just a big misunderstand?
Dee
Exactly.
Roy
The report mentions scratching, kicking and biting.
Dee
I didn't bite anyone. That a lie.
Will
How about scratching and kicking?
Dee
I don't recall.
Will
Oh man. We better get a lawyer.
Roy
There's something else. There are some warrants...
Will
WarrentS? As in more than one?
Dee
Oopsie daisy.
Will
What warrants?
Dee
Well, I may have been a little naughty before we got married, but I stopped cold turkey after the wedding.
Will
Until tonight.
Dee
Innocent until proven naughty.
Will
Why didn't you ever tell me about all this?
Dee
You never asked.
Will
Oh great. My wife is a wanted criminal. We're ruined.
Roy
Maybe I'll leave you two alone. I'll be right outside in case you need backup.
Dee
Thanks.
(Roy exits)
Dee (cont)
Alone at last.
(Will stops her from hugging him again)
Will
Wait a minute. The time we met... You weren't just a visitor to the jail were you?
Dee
I'm afraid not. But I was framed that time. The one time I was caught I didn't actually do it.
Will
But you have broken the law?
Dee
I never steal from people can't afford it - they always have insurance to cover their losses at the big stores and their CEOs are greedy bastards.
Will
So you're like a modern day Robin Hood?
Dee
Exactly. I steal from the rich and give to the poor. I only wanted to get something nice for poor little old you.
Will
I can't let you go to jail.
Dee
Then don't.
Will
How can I stop them?
Dee
Help me escape.
(She managed to slip her hands out of handcuffs)
Will
You and your small hands. You practiced that with my handcuffs too. And I thought you were being cute. Turns out you were preparing.
Dee
Don't be mad at me. I promise I will be good from now on... If you help me escape.
Will
I will get a good lawyer. I know all the ones that get people off.
Dee
If rather run away. And hide away together. Where no one can find us.
Will
How can we manage that? On the run with no jobs?
Dee
I have been saving up. I've been tucking things away for a rainy day.
Will
It's so rainy now there's a flood.
Dee
Help me escape. And we'll hide away in a secret place where we can be together every day. Just you and me. Alone. Forever.
(Roy enters)
Roy
Sorry to break this up but I gotta lock Dee up now.
(Will holds Dee protectively. They all look at each other nervously)
Will
No, no you don't.
Roy
Don't what?
Will
You don't need to lock her up.
Roy
I have to Will. She's got a record and is wanted. Some detectives are on their way to question her now. She's suspected in some pretty big dollar thefts.
Will
You're not locking her up, Roy.
(Will goes toward Roy)
Roy
What are you doing, Will?
Roy
Ah… where’s my gun?
Will
You keep it in your desk drawer remember? You’d actually shoot me, Roy?
Roy
Naw… probably not.
(Dee handcuffs him)
Will
We have to make it look good for the cameras… make it look like you resisted.
(Roy kicks Will)
Roy
How’s that?
(Dee slaps him in the back of the head and handcuffs him to the chair)
Dee
A little too good.
Roy
Just putting on a show for the cameras like he said.
Dee
Then I am too.
(Dee slaps him again)
Roy
Well, you two crazy kids have a happy anniversary okay?
Dee
We will.
Will
One that will be never ending after this.
Dee
Just you and me, alone and free.
Will
Let’s go, luv.
(Will and Dee exit)
Roy
I hope they live happily ever after.
(Roy struggles with the cuffs and falls to the floor)
END OF SCENE
