HIPPIES, HOUSEWIVES, AND WATERING HOLES
By
D. M. Larson
Copyright (c) 2002
All Rights Reserved
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
LEROY: Old Texas rancher who is protecting his watering hole
MOLLY: His quiet housewife
MOON: A hippy who comes along to give Leroy a hard time about his habit of shooting things he shouldn't
PLACE and TIME
A ranch in modern day Texas.
SCENE 1
(Older Texas rancher makes angry entrance into the kitchen of his home. His wife MOLLY quietly does housework and hardly reacts to his anger)
LEROY
(Drops rifle onto table. Out of breath)
I had to kill another one of them! This one broke down my fence.
MOLLY
(She speaks in an unenthusiastic monotone)
You'll get fined again.
LEROY
I can't believe they fined me $4,000 for the last one. The judge told me it was just a gentle reminder. There was nothing gentle about it. I just can't sit there and let them take my water. This is the desert. My cattle needs it. I can't go sharing it with every thirsty critter that thinks it needs some. I'm one step ahead of 'em this time though. Buried it so nobody will know. No witnesses this time neither.
MOLLY
(Dogs barking. Sound of car driving up)
You sure? Who's that?
(Looking outside)
It's one of them Volkswagen vans. Got flowers and all kinds of stickers on it. Looks like a billboard.
LEROY
(Tries looking out)
I can't see nothing.
MOLLY
Get your glasses, dear.
LEROY
(Pats around on his shirt)
Where'd I put them?
MOLLY
There's someone getting out of the van. Got funny clothes on. Lots of colors.
LEROY
(Finds glasses then looks out)
Holy J Spirit! It's that hippy from town.
MOLLY
What hippy?
LEROY
She was protesting about something outside the courthouse. Probably not enough tofu in town or something. What's she want with me?
MOLLY
She's almost to the door.
LEROY
My gun ain't loaded! Where you keep the shells now?
MOLLY
In the cookie jar.
LEROY
(Rushes to cookie jar. Knocking at door)
Don't let her in.
MOLLY
Okay.
(More knocking)
You want me to tell her you're not home.
LEROY
I'll shoot first and talk later.
(Open cookie jar)
We're out of bullets?!
MOLLY
Maybe I moved 'em.
LEROY
(In a panic)
Where?
MOLLY
(Shrugs. Unconcerned)
I don't know.
MOON
(MOON enters and is on the porch. Knocks and calls out)
I know you�re in there. I want to talk to you.
LEROY
Get out of here! You're trespassing!
(To MOLLY)
Call the sheriff.
MOLLY
Okay.
(Exits kitchen)
MOON
My name's Moon Johnson. I represent the Legal Freedom League.
LEROY
Moon? What kind of name is that?
MOON
It's the name of a powerful woman who believes in herself to stand up against injustice.
LEROY
Do you mean the moon in the sky or the moon you get when you pull your pants down?
(Peaks out)
Judging by the look of you I'd pick the second.
MOON
That's it!
(She backs up and runs at door)
LEROY
(Pulls open door and MOON sails in and runs into table)
Don't bust my door!
(MOON heads for LEROY who backs away)
What do you want with me?
MOON
(Pulls out a chair)
Sit.
(MOON shoves him down onto chair)
LEROY
(Rises)
I don't take orders in my own house.
MOON
(Shoves him down even harder)
I said sit.
LEROY
(Rubs shoulder)
Okay. I'm sitting.
MOLLY
(Enters)
I can't find the number for the sheriff, dear.
LEROY
It's 911!
(Tries to get up and is shoved down)
Run, Molly. Get out of here!
(MOLLY casually heads toward them not at all upset)
MOLLY
I got your lunch in the microwave. It's getting hard sitting in there.
LEROY
I don't care about my lunch!
MOLLY
See, you get all fussy when you don't eat.
(Pulls container out)
MOON
(Sniffs)
What is that?
MOLLY
Tripe on toast.
MOON
Tripe?! Isn't that? Wait, I don't want to know.
LEROY
You let me go or my wife will feed it to you.
MOLLY
You hungry, Miss Moon? Got some lettuce and tomatoes. I could make a salad.
MOON
No, thank you. I just ate.
MOLLY
Tea maybe.
MOON
Tea would be nice.
(MOLLY gets iced tea)
LEROY
(Gets up)
Molly, what are you doing?
(Shoved down)
Don't offer her nothing. She's a criminal.
MOON
The only criminal in here is you, my friend.
LEROY
You break into my home and you call me a criminal.
MOON
You opened the door and let me in fair and square. No breaking in.
LEROY
You were going to break down my door.
MOON
I was only going to knock forcefully.
LEROY
(Rises)
Give me my gun and I'll show you forceful.
(Shoved down)
Stop doing that.
MOON
Then stop getting up.
MOLLY
(Hands MOON glass. Friendly and not so distant)
Here's your tea, Miss Moon. Care for a slice of lemon?
MOON
Sure, that would be lovely.
LEROY
Stop being nice to her.
MOON
Shut up, you or I'll shove you on the floor.
LEROY
See, Molly. She�s threatening me.
MOLLY
Yes, dear.
(Smiles as she gives her lemon)
There you go.
LEROY
So what do you want?
MOON
I can't believe it. He doesn't even know. What a waste of food...
(Takes a sip of tea)
LEROY
(MOLLY snickers then tries to hide it as a cough)
Molly! Did you just laugh?
MOLLY
No, dear. Just got a tickle in my throat.
LEROY
You better not laugh at me or I'll smack you so hard you'll have to take a bus back from Albuquerque.
MOON
I�ll be doing all the smacking around here.
LEROY
See, she just threatened me again.
MOLLY
More iced tea?
MOON
You can top off my glass. That's wonderful tea. How do you make it?
LEROY
I can't believe this. I'm getting tortured and you're discussing tea.
MOLLY
(Smiles a little)
It's moon tea.
MOON
(Laughs)
I heard of sun tea, but moon tea?
(LEROY crosses his arms and scowls)
MOLLY
Old family recipe. Learned it from my grandma.
LEROY
I can't believe you'd give this pinko skirt our moon tea.
MOON
Did you just call me a skirt? I think I just stepped back into the 1950's.
LEROY
Can we get this over with? I've got chores to do.
MOON
I'm not leaving until you see the error of your ways.
LEROY
What are you talking about?
MOLLY
I think this is about that newspaper, dear.
MOON
Give the lady a prize.
LEROY
Oh, that stupid article in the papers. I got my punishment. I don't know why everyone has to make big news out of it.
MOON
That was no punishment. That was only a little slap on the hand.
LEROY
It was four thousand dollars! You call that a slap on the hand?
MOON
How can you not see how horrible this is?
MOLLY
Can I say something?
MOON
Please do.
MOLLY
(Reluctantly goes up to LEROY)
Now, Leroy. Can't you see why this lady is upset?
LEROY
Cause we don't have any cookies and ice cream?
MOLLY
Leroy. What you did was wrong.
LEROY
What did you say?
(He rises threateningly. MOON pushes him back down)
Ow!
MOON
She talks. You listen.
MOLLY
Leroy, killing ain't right.
LEROY
What are you saying, Molly? You think I'm wrong?
MOLLY
Maybe.
LEROY
Who are you and who took my wife? Who took my quiet little woman who cooks and cleans and gives me foot rubs?
MOON
(Disgusted)
Foot rubs?
MOLLY
How can you do something so horrible?
LEROY
What's so horrible about what I did? I was merely taking out the trash and cleaning up this sorry society of ours. I'm sick and tired of hearing about tolerance and equality. Where does that leave me? Where's the tolerance for me? Where's my equality?!
(Sighs and calms a bit)
Life used to be so much easier when I was a boy. We knew who to like and who to hate.
MOON
Things change.
LEROY
But I don't what them to change. Don't you get it? I like things the way they are.
MOLLY
But some of us don't, Leroy.
(MOLLY leaves crying)
LEROY
(Rises to go after her)
Molly, wait.
(MOON doesn�t stop him, but then he sits down upset)
Why do things have to change? Why can't they just leave me alone?
MOON
All they want is a little water. Not money, not a job... just water. And what do you do?
LEROY
(Quietly)
I kill them.
MOON
I believe the word is murder.
LEROY
Look. I've already been on trial. Why don't you take it up with the judge?
MOON
He's next on my list.
LEROY
So what are you going to do with me?
MOON
I'd leave you with your conscience to torture you, but since you don't seem to have one, I have this.
(Hands him a paper)
LEROY
(Squints)
What is it?
MOON
A boycott on your cattle.
LEROY
What?
MOON
We are calling for a nationwide boycott on your cattle. Any meat packing company that buys your beef will also be subject to a boycott.
LEROY
You and what army?
MOON
Us and Oprah, that's who.
LEROY
You wouldn't?
MOON
Farewell, Leroy. Nice talking to you. I'll say hi to the judge for you.
(MOON exits)
LEROY
Molly? Molly, come here. We got to call and warn the judge.
(Upset)
And we got to call Charlie. Got to make sure they didn't get to him. He's my biggest buyer. I'm sure he wouldn't stop buying my cattle cause of this little thing.
(MOLLY appears with her hat, coat and suitcase)
Molly? What are you doing?
MOLLY
I'm going to be on Oprah.
(MOLLY exits. LEROY stands there stunned)
LEROY
(Watches helplessly)
Don't get in that van with her! Molly! Nooo!
(Runs out after her and lights fade to black)
END OF PLAY
