EXT. STRANGE PLANET. DAY.
CAST: 4 space explorers and 1+ aliens (any gender) with possible extras by adding more aliens and space explorers
(A couple of space explorers, Captain and Commander, are sitting relaxed among the rocks looking at their electronic devices taking and recording readings. A couple of other space explorers, Cadet and Grunt, run past behind them yelling/screaming being chased by strange aliens. Captain and Commander look at each other and shrug. Aliens run back across with Grunt and Cadet chasing them)
CAPTAIN
Care for some tea, Commander?
COMMANDER
Why yes, Captain. That would be lovely.
(Captain pours Commander some tea. Alien runs by and knocks it from the Captain's hand and leaves. Cadet and Grunt chase alien)
CAPTAIN
How rude.
COMMANDER
I vote for sub-intelligent life forms.
CAPTAIN
Noted. They do appear to be quite savage.
(Grunt and Cadet bring in one of the aliens they've captured)
CADET
Yee-haw! We got one!
GRUNT
On your knees, maggot!
(Grunt forces alien on to its knees in front of the Commander and Captain. Commander waves a device in front of it)
COMMANDER
Scanning... imaging... OH!
CAPTAIN
What is it?
COMMANDER
Special alert from the Inter-galactic shopping network. That new phase scanner is 50% off this week.
(Explorers gather around Commander. Alien sneaks off during following)
CAPTAIN
Buy it! Buy it!
COMMANDER
I love this new app. Makes purchasing so much easier. The deals I'm finding are amazing.
CAPTAIN
Uh... which one of you was watching the alien?
(Cadet and Grunt look at each other. Grunt punches Cadet)
CADET
Ow!
GRUNT
Get moving!
CADET
I'm an officer. You're supposed to listen to me.
GRUNT
You're like 12. How did you get in officer training?
CADET
I was on this colony ship and impressed one of the Space Explorers with my incredible intelligence.
CAPTAIN
And it doesn't hurt that your father is an Admiral.
(Commander laughs)
GRUNT
Move it!
CADET
I'm so reporting you.
(Cadet and Grunt run after alien)
COMMANDER
Commander's vlog... Spacedate Niner-Ought-Ocho-Alpha...
CAPTAIN
You so have something in your teeth.
COMMANDER
Thanks.
Commander uses video screen to check teeth.
CAPTAIN
I think you're still recording. Streaming live.
COMMANDER
Great.
CAPTAIN
Think we can get those aliens to sign the Galaxy Confederation Charter?
COMMANDER
I have ways of making that happen.
CAPTAIN
Promise me you won't chop off one of their hands again. That was so gross.
COMMANDER
Worked didn't it? Hand print signature was a sure thing after that.
CAPTAIN
But you got alien goo all over the WeePad. It still doesn't work right.
COMMANDER
Fine. Do it the hard way.
(Cadet and Grunt drag in an alien - can be the same or different one)
CAPTAIN
Hello, good alien. Please sit.
(Grunt forces alien down)
CAPTAIN (CONT.)
Care for some tea?
COMMANDER
This is going to take forever.
GRUNT
Want me to do the hand thing?
(Grunt pulls out a huge knife and holds up alien's hand)
COMMANDER
The captain here doesn't like that.
CADET
That's against our Galactic Confederation Code!
(Grunt laughs and puts knife away)
GRUNT
We're a long way from the GCC, Cadet.
(Cadet points proudly to a badge on uniform)
CADET
Where-ever you see this badge, the GCC is the law and I shall...
(Grunt grabs the badge off Cadet's uniform and tosses it away as far as possible)
CADET (CONT.)
Hey!
(Cadet goes after it)
CAPTAIN
So, my friend. What kind of tea do you like? I can generate any number of flavors.
GRUNT
Make it extra hot.
CAPTAIN
No torture.
GRUNT
Commander?
COMMANDER
Listen to the Captain.
GRUNT
I'm so transferring after this mission.
CAPTAIN
So savage. I know none of this means anything to you but I simply need your handprint. It says you agree to the GCC and your planet and all the resources here will belong to us. In return, we give you this shiny new GCC badge! Each one is uniquely engraved with an unduplicated number and a holographic image of our supreme leader.
(Captain holds out badge to alien)
CAPTAIN (CONT.)
It's shiney.
(Alien slowly takes and looks at it)
CAPTAIN (CONT.)
Pretty.
(Alien throws it at Captain)
CAPTAIN (CONT.)
My eye! It hit me in the eye!
(Grunt is laughing. Commander grabs the alien's hand and sticks its hand print on to the WeePad)
COMMANDER
Done. Let it go.
GRUNT
No souvenirs?
COMMANDER
Gross. No.
(Grunt let's go of alien but it doesn't run. Alien goes up to Captain who is still crumbled over. It touches the Captain's wound. Captain flinches. The alien spits on it's own hand and then touches the hand to the Captain's eye)
CAPTAIN
Hey! Oh... that feels good.
(Alien pulls away and Captain's eye is okay. Captain looks in amazement)
CAPTAIN (CONT.)
Thank you.
(Alien walks away)
COMMANDER
That was different.
CAPTAIN
Quite.
COMMANDER
I think your eye is a slightly different color now.
CAPTAIN
I can see better too.
COMMANDER
This requires further study.
CAPTAIN
We'll report to the GCC and get authorized for a return voyage.
COMMANDER
To the shuttle?
CAPTAIN
To the shuttle.
GRUNT
Totally asking for a transfer. I didn't get to kill anything.
(They exit and a rocket blast is heard. After a few moments Cadet returns)
CADET
Where did everybody go?
